Today a friend I was talking with suddenly said "DUDE. You haven't blogged in forever. I checked the blog yesterday and I was trying to find the new one but there was nothing!!" My first reaction was Oh, shoot, I'm pretty flattered that people keep up with and care about what I say. My second reaction was, Oh, shoot, I haven't written anything in forever! It's been a rough.. month-ish? Since the last time I wrote. Baseball's started so I've had basically none time to do my work and study for tests and play piano, let alone blog. The going's been rough. I figured with the great times I enjoyed earlier this year, there had to be some rough patches.
To put it simply, this past month or so, I've felt inadequate. Either I haven't been giving enough of myself, or 100% of myself just isn't enough. I've felt inadequate in school, inadequate in sports, inadequate in Tensync/choir and in friendships. The list goes on and on. I feel like I've been giving it half effort but I'm drained like I'm going all out. It's been a while since I've experienced the feeling of being truly fullfilled at the end of the day. I've also felt a trend towards being mean spirited some times. I find that for myself it's easier to be insensitive to others feelings and be really apathetic with my interactions with others simply because it takes less effort. But like what any sports coach will tell you, you only get from something what you put into it. It's like stickin a dime in the vending machine and hitting coin return expecting a dollar coin. Dream all you like, it's not gonna happen. Same thing for school too. I told myself I was really going to hit the book hard this semester and not have to worry come finals. But the reality is that my lack of interest and effort is alarming. Whenever I think about it or someone talks about it I just wanna say Dude, I don't give. And being in the mean state that I am it's a possibility.
It's currently 12:08, not too late by any means. But I have class tomorrow at 7:50 so maybe staying up to write a bit will turn out to be a bad idea, but I find that without writing, all of my thoughts get really bottled up and I get really frustrated. And since I haven't written in a really long time, the words just flow out easy. Real easy. It's like I got unlimited things to say. I wish I actually did. Sometimes I'll be talkin to someone. And I'll just have nothing to say to them. It's weird. Pretty awkward too. It's all like, hmmmm I wanna say something to you but I flat out have nothin to say. Does that happen to other people? I've always wondered. Sometimes though, I can keep talking and talking and talking. I wish it could be like that all the time. That would be splendid. Splenda, that sounds familiar. I think it's tea or something..? That sounds really good right now actually. I think I'm getting sick. Anyways I've gotten wayyy off topic and I stopped being serious maybe 5 lines ago. Alright, time for bed. I'm goin on a hunt. Tryin to rediscover my passion for life.
