Definition.

i - pron.
Used to refer to oneself as speaker or writer.
n. pl. I's
The self; the ego.

"Accept no one's definition of your life. Define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

That's definitely one of my favorite quotes of all time. And also one quote that I have never ever been able to follow in my life. I feel like I've always been content to be whatever everybody says I am. It hasn't necessarily been bad but it's felt like I've been under restraint. And of my own free will. My own prisoner. But I mean like really, who knows who/what we are? How do we even know who we are? I feel like life's a journey to discover just that. That's why I feel like those really old people are content and at peace when they die. Their journey is through and they've discovered themselves, and now they are at peace. That just seems so awesome. I know that I'm nowhere near that point. But I'm out to yaknow, kinda figure out who I am and get some solidity in my life. But even that's subject to change. Man, I feel like a walking contradiction. Haha, I guess it's only natural. But it's gonna be fun. I mean I love finding out more stuff about other people, because it's so uncommon that they open up and it's just something that I treasure because I love learning more about other people and learning more about yourself is even more exciting because you're the only one who's ever with you all the time so gotta learn more about yourself, otherwise you're gonna have alot of awkward conversations. (Ok that was a bad joke.)

Anyways, time for a quick little slide into a side topic. A song that a good friend of mine showed me recently has a really deep meaning to me. Well for everybody actually. The first time I listened to it it gave me shivers.

The Motions - Matthew West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLJF9vaIJ_0

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

It's a Christian song, and I'm not exactly religious but I totally feel what the song is saying. It's hecka easy, specially in the high school days to just fall into a routine and do whatever it takes to just get by so we stay comfortable. It takes effort to step outside our comfort zones, do something we never did before or talk to someone new. But you know what, it makes life that much more worth living. There's another song that my friend gave me that I really really liked.

Life After You - Daughtry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E

One line in particular actually. "All that I'm after is a life full of laughter." I like to laugh. I like people who make me laugh. Everything makes me laugh. I laugh at everything, even things that aren't funny, even things that I say. haha that last one is all bad. I like it when I laugh so hard that my abs get a workout. And since I like people that make me laugh, and I laugh at everything, I like everybody. I came up with something clever. check it out. So I think that we should always be laughing because somewhere in the world someone just said or did something funny, and we shouldn't miss out!

Last thing, I think that eating and reading/doing homework at the same time is seriously like the best idea ever because it's like killing two birds with one stone. Which, by the way doesn't even make sense because you couldn't even kill retarded birds with one stone. It would have to be a huge stone. And then you wouldn't be able to throw it. Which makes the whole expression dumb. Ok that is all for now, it is windy, maybe I will be swept up and end up in Kansas.

-E Wang

It's a Juggling Act

I've really been thinking tons about school lately. Now that first semester of my sophomore year is over and finals are gone, I've got a short period to just chill without having to worry about my schoolwork, and it's amazing. As second semester approaches, I give some thought to how I want to do in this next semester. I tell myself that I'm going to bust my ass on every assignment so that by the time the finals come around I won't even have to worry. But then I wonder, don't I always tell myself that? Somehow I still end up with some borderline grades and have to worry about finals. It puzzles me how that tends to be the ending.

School's a juggling act, with all the subjects to learn and study and then get tested on. There's tons to worry about and if you get lazy and start slacking off in a class, dropping the ball, so to speak, it's tough to get it back up. But that's not even the beginning of the difficulty. I'm really not trying to sound cocky or arrogant or conceited, but I know that if I really wanted to, I could have amazing grades every semester. If I dropped everything else and totally dedicated myself to school, it would be a breeze. How come I don't, if it would make so many people, like my parents and..eh, well just my parents happy? I guess it's cus I believe that lives aren't made in school. I mean you're never going to look back 20 years from now and be like oh yeah! I remember all those great chem lectures, or oh yeah, I'm so glad I did all those quote journals for Much Ado About Nothing! Not really. You can always catch up on your school work but you can't catch up on fun. Same thing goes for sleep too, but that's another story.

The difficulty in school lies not in the juggling, school itself, but in juggling while walking a tightrope. All of the time we pour into hanging out, extracurriculars, and just plain screwing around is all time taken away from our school work, making it even harder to keep juggling the balls. Sometimes when we trip up on the tightrope and drop all the balls, it does indeed seem like our lives are spiraling out of control, but it's always been said that man falls to learn how to pick themselves up again.

The Day the Earth (Didn't) stood Still

Seems to me like so far 2010 is a lesson in loss, first on a personal level and now on a global level. A massive 7.0 magnitude earthquake shook the very foundations of Haiti, killing tens of thousands and leaving millions homeless, without water, without food, and possibly injured. Dead bodies pile the streets and blood literally flows into gutters like water. I can't even begin to imagine such a devastated scene. As quick as relief is coming, as a bystander has describes it, “None of this will seem quick enough if you have a loved one who is trapped, if you are sleeping on the streets, if you can’t feed your children.”

Here on the other side of the world I'm sitting here thinking about how tired I am and how I want to get in bed. Funny how insignificant everything suddenly seems. I want to help. I really really do. But it's naive to think that I can make a difference, truthfully. That any of us can make a difference. Sounds kinda pessimistic. Maybe because I'm tired. I guess all we can do really is remain hopeful and pray for them. And again, never hold back on telling someone how much you care about them. Because you never know when your world could be shaken up and everything could be taken away from you. Well, that is all, time to sleep. My heart and best wishes go out to the victims of the Haiti earthquake. Stay strong guys.

School(ed) in Rhyme

This here's my little try
A rhyme about school
We say we'd rather die
But without it we're fools


Truth is, school ain't that bad
There we met tons of friends
That otherwise we might'a never had
And we get in on all the trends


But one question I got is why?
Where is all this learning gonna take me, take us?
It takes up so much time
A good enough answer isn't just cus.


This year I met this girl named Pam
She's pretttty cool
As exciting as a BAM!!
This stanza makes me look like a tool.. (KIDDING. hahahaa)


Now for me it's sophomore year
Freshman year passed so fast
Before I know it, graduation will be near
I'm hoping to make it last


In high school we deal with so much crap
Do we really need any of that?
Someone should provide us with a map
To show us the way. STAT.


Alcohol, Smoking, Drugs
Terrible for your body, mind and soul
They aren't a replacement for love, kisses, and hugs
Those people making bad choices, they needa be 'tol.


There so much to deal with in life
We don't always know what to do
One thing's for sure, it doesn't always rhyme
And so be happy with conforming like everyone else, neither should you


As we go through school what we really learn about is our friends, ourselves, and life
Got some encouragement for 20-10, this upcoming year
To stay happy as possible, have fun, try to avoid strife,
Keep your head up, and don't listen to haters, cus they ain't sayin what you wanna hear.


-E. Wang




PS. "Don't waste time being unhappy because you never know who could be fallin' in love with your smile." -E. Wang

^ See what I did there? I took that quote, changed some words, and now it's mine!! Just kidding. That's called plagarism. And I shouldn't do it. Neither should you. Good night

Saw this somewhere. I liked it.

Aite so it's finals week..so I'm not gonna be sayin much. I was messin around in Chinese class today and I found this quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Think about it

Shoot man, this is REAL stuff.

Recently a young man, a former SHS student and part of the music department family, passed away in his sleep. Imagine that. Just falling asleep and never waking up. It seems like this year is a lesson in mortality for me. When I was little, I used to think that me and everyone I knew was gonna live forever. Yeah, I'd hear on the news about how there were accidents and homicides and things like that, but it would never ever happen to people I knew, no, we were all gonna live forever. I'd spend my time making plans for when I grew up. I had to come up with tons and tons of fun and interesting things to do. Because hey, I was gonna live forever, and that meant once I became a millionaire, I was gonna have SO much free time!! And even as I've learned that you don't live forever, it hasn't actually hit me that people die.

If you think about it, we take sooo so much in life for granted. For those of us in the Bay Area, most of us are pretty dang well off. Maybe even spoiled. Like us Saratogans, we live in a very rich and safe city. Nothing bad happens here. But people complain about how it's so boring and they can't wait to get out. We just can't appreciate what we have unless it's taken away from us. The same goes for life itself. There have been billions and billions and billions, countless people that have lived before us. And billions and billions of people have died. Think about how much had to go right for you to get born. You parents had to be born and meet up out of all the people on Earth and their parents had to be born and meet up and the chances of you actually ever existing is miniscule to being with. But a majority of us still go through life making nothing of ourselves. And it's really disappointing. Such a great opportunity, maybe the greatest opportunity ever, gone to waste.

Death does not scare me anymore. I'm fine with dying. The scary part is being gone without getting a chance to tell everybody how much I love and appreciate them. So with that in mind, take time to let those important to you how much they mean to you and how you couldn't do without them. I know it sounds depressing, but you never know when you could go, so don't hold back.

Another thing about wasting your life. Recently I've heard about some friends of mine. Not going to name any names, but I've heard that they all get together and smoke. When I first heard about it, I didn't really believe it, but all I can really say is that I'm really disappointed in them. I've definitely lost a good amount of respect for them. I mean how can that ever turn out to be a good decision? You could say Oh, my friends wanted me to. If your so-called friend wanted you to suck up some powdered garbage and destroy your body, then they sure as hell aren't your friend. Has anyone ever said, Gosh, I'm SO glad I smoked in high school!! Nope. Never. It makes me really sad that people would waste their lives like for for maybe an hours satisfaction. It really doesn't make sense to me at all. Could someone who's an avid smoker pleeeease clarify that for me? Cus it doesn't make any sense. Whatsoever.

A Jumble of Thoughts, A Break, and The End Of The Decade

Where do I start? It really has been a long time since I wrote. To be truthful, I'm writing not because I have anything specific to say, but because I felt a urge to write after such a long hiatus and because I'm waiting for my video of 'The Hangover' on the internet to load. This entry could be compared to a rapper's freestyle rap I suppose. I'm just gonna lay down whatever comes to mind and talk about it. I'm feelin like it's going to be a long one. After all, this is a very significant time of year.

Shoot, all I can think is where do I start..I guess I'll start with Christmas, which just passed. You know, something's funny. In the past Christmas was always so important to me. Right when December started, I'd start counting down the days to Christmas. Back in the day it used to be because I was so excited for presents. Later on it was just cus. This year Christmas just kind of slipped by for me. It surprised me when I woke up to a small army of small children clamoring for me to wake up so they could open their presents. Throughout the day it just really didn't strike me as Christmas. And when it was over it felt just like any other ordinary day. Funny thing is I just might have been excited for it too early. I was really pumped for Christmas around...November 20th. Yup, even before Thanksgiving. I guess I was excited for it too early because by the time it actually rolled around I was all excited-out. This year I wasn't excited about getting anything special, didn't actually expect to receive any presents. And it was a good feeling. It was nice to sit there relaxing while watching my little cousins open presents and see how happy they were. Good stuff.

Ok now it is actually the day of New Years Eve because last night I couldn't think of anything to write about. But I'm back, armed with a post-it note chock full of goodies so I'm ready. As of now it's about T-minus 2 hours until the new decade and I'm hoping to make it in before New Year's so here we go..

In the past year or more recently I've groped with concepts, standards and ideas that I'd always grown to accept as normal that more recently I've really been questioning. My grip on reality and my entire world is probably slippery, at best, which is the way I like it. Wait, let me rephrase that, because that makes it sound like I'm going insane. Haha, that's not how it is. What I'm trying to say is that while my values, morals and beliefs are concrete, how I see the world is always under question, subject to question and influence. So I am always changing, growing, and developing as a person and an individual.

Speaking of individuals, I've always had the strangest belief for the longest time. For some odd reason, I've always, subconsciously or not, placed myself just slightly higher in importance in comparison to everyone else out there. I suppose you could call it inner arrogance. It's this kind of thing where while I respect other people and view them as equals to myself, I also think that my goals, beliefs, abilities, whatever, name it, are more significant and important than that of theirs. Like I, as an individual, is more significant than anyone else in the world. And that I, more than anyone else, can make a difference. And that I, more than anyone else, can get it done. I don't really know if other people think like that as well, or if it's just me. But it's naive to think that I am more significant, or important, or talented, or intelligent than the billions of people out there. Not only because it is definitely not true, but it's the epitome of conceited. I don't know what the cause of this is, but that is 1 resolution for the new decade, learn to appreciate others and what they have to offer and value them just as much as myself.

The second thing that I've grappled with this year is the always volatile system of relationships. Friendships, intimate relationships, associations, whatever kind of relationship. This year's been a whole year of experimenting, seeing what works, what doesn't. I've gained new friendships and I've lost some. Strengthened some and fought losing battles against fading ones. Though one thing that I've been introduced to is something that I have always tried to avoid, and that's conflict. No matter what, I just have not been able to deal with conflict. And yet it is essential to a healthy, close relationship. It's alot like the forest. The forest starts out as a bunch of saplings growing together peacefully in harmony. But as time passes and more and more trees grow and they get larger and larger, the space becomes more and more crowded and all the trees are suffocated together, unable to grow, leaving them all in discomfort. But then a forest fire rages through the forest and burns all of the trees down. While it seems like a disaster, once the fire has passed, the seeds of rebirth are sown and the forest grows back, more healthy and vibrant than before the fire. The fire of the forest is the conflict of the relationship. It's also the fire I've always tried to avoid at all costs. It's unhealthy in that I would rather say something I didn't believe in order to avoid confrontation and smooth things over than speak my mind and face the consequences. While on the surface the friendship/relationship is undamaged, in reality it is hurt because truthful wholesome communication can't be made, thus limiting the intimacy. That is decade's resolution #2. Not to run from conflict.

Another thing that's strange, there are some days where I simply cannot feel positive about other people at all. Even those that I have utmost respect for. My mind is just clouded in pessimism and in my mind I have myself cutting everyone down, picking out their flaws and weaknesses and just dismantling their image for myself. It's probably a result of my own insecurities. Even as such, I find it an odd way for myself to instinctively cope. That's resolution #3 right there, Find a different way to deal with my own insecurities, because it is either impossible or highly unlikely that insecurities will go away, so I need a positive and better way to deal with them.

In our age and day, it's become either really cool or totally uncool, (depending who you are), to try really hard, care about something alot, and have a burning passion. Most people of today think that cruising through life and making it look effortless is that way to go these days. When someone comes along that's visibly making an effort, or is very vocal about what they care about, all that they get in response is humiliation, discouragement, and scoffs. Is it fair that those who try the hardest should be the most looked down upon? To care alot about everyone has always in the past been a goal of mine but it's like there's only so much care to go around. And if that's the case I've got to be selective about who I care about. It's hard though, caring about alot of people. That's alot of attention to divide up. In the past I've become friends with people just for the sake of being able to say I had alot of friends. I'd be totally caught up in stats, look at who I was friends with and how many friends I had. Not only that, but my extra curriculars and activities and decide that I was an extremely accomplished person in comparison to others. I didn't really get to know a bulk of my friends and as a result we'd drift apart, talk periodically and get a little closer, and rinse and repeat. It's always been hard for me to realize that I can't be good friends with everyone and I have to decide which ones I want to keep and which to just be friends with. But I know how I want to be known. Not as the most talented, the most popular, the most athletic, the smartest, but just as the one who cared the most. Gave it his all in sports. Tried and studied hard in class. Was there for his friends. And that's Resolution 4. Simply care.

Well that was everything I had on my post-it note and more actually. Since I've got some time left before the countdown (T-minus 29 minutes) I'm gonna put up my resolution, that ones that I've got right now anyways. My good friend told me how she had categories for them and I thought that was a great idea, so thanks!
Here are my categories: Myself as a person, Academics, Friends/People, Athletics, Health, Mental, and Habits.

Person: Have more confidence, but without being arrogant. Think about others and not just myself. Care more and instill more passion in my life. Learn patience.

Academics: Try hard in every class. Actually learn, understand what I'm learning and care about it too.

Friends/People: Pick my friends. Be more tolerant of people. Don't get annoyed with myself/others as easily. Be ready to deal with conflict.

Athletics: 5' 7, 160.

Health: Take better care of myself and my body. As I learned this year, I am not indestructible at all.

Mental: Keep a positive attitude. Think comfortable even when I'm not. Think big. Have energy. Learn logic and rationalization.

Habits: No mental downsizing of people.




Well, that's all I've got. Signing off for the last time this decade... EWang.
Happy holidays and best of all, happy new year and happy new decade!!
See y'all on the other side. Let's live it up