#71. The Comeback

Ok it's been forever since I wrote. Even more forever than last time. I'm not sure I remember how to do this anymore so I'm gonna be all over the place. I promised a friend I'd do this though so here we go. From the last time I blogged until now it's been pretty hectic. I've been pretty busy since baseball season started since I don't get home until 6:30 and I definitely don't start my homework until 9. Gettin into some prettttttty bad habits. I just ate 30 cuties. I'm pretty sure I'm melting from the outside in. I noticed that I open fruits in weird ways. I'll try to open a cutie in one piece. I open bananas the way monkeys do, from the back. Wow I hope this isn't boring for you haha I feel like it would be.

Ok also something I've been wanting to talk about since I heard about it is Challenge Day at our school. So I was a fool and didn't sign up for it but I heard it was amazing. Basically the gist (did I spell that right?) is you get together with everyone else who signed up or who was picked and basically you tell each other your hardships and cry together and love each other and feel good and stuff. And it's one of those things where afterwards you feel all lovey dovey and you love everyone and you wanna be an amazing peron. But the thing that I wonder is why we can't be like that all of the time? And a while after the effects definitely wear off. Basically though, why does it take an organized event for people to realize that they care about each other and love each other? As well as that other people are amazing too? We should look for these things in other people every day and devote ourselves to being loving people. It's like that BEP song. Where's the love? I dunnooo. So catchy.

Another thing. Been frustrated kinda lately about some decisions. And basically I learned something. A wise friend told me that I can't always make my decisions based on what makes other people happy, and that sometimes I have to decide on what makes me happy. Now that I think about it, I've always strived to try to make others happy, sometimes at my own expense. But that's living for others, and not myself, and sometimes I'd be the one coming away feeling unsatisfied. I'm going to be more conscious in the future to not only make others happy but myself as well. Not in a selfish way, but you can only share happiness with other people when you yourself are happy, when you have happiness to share. Ok that is all, but here's a quote that has become one of my favorites.

"You can turn the sun off, but I'm stil gonna shine"
-Jason Mraz

Ages

Today a friend I was talking with suddenly said "DUDE. You haven't blogged in forever. I checked the blog yesterday and I was trying to find the new one but there was nothing!!" My first reaction was Oh, shoot, I'm pretty flattered that people keep up with and care about what I say. My second reaction was, Oh, shoot, I haven't written anything in forever! It's been a rough.. month-ish? Since the last time I wrote. Baseball's started so I've had basically none time to do my work and study for tests and play piano, let alone blog. The going's been rough. I figured with the great times I enjoyed earlier this year, there had to be some rough patches.

To put it simply, this past month or so, I've felt inadequate. Either I haven't been giving enough of myself, or 100% of myself just isn't enough. I've felt inadequate in school, inadequate in sports, inadequate in Tensync/choir and in friendships. The list goes on and on. I feel like I've been giving it half effort but I'm drained like I'm going all out. It's been a while since I've experienced the feeling of being truly fullfilled at the end of the day. I've also felt a trend towards being mean spirited some times. I find that for myself it's easier to be insensitive to others feelings and be really apathetic with my interactions with others simply because it takes less effort. But like what any sports coach will tell you, you only get from something what you put into it. It's like stickin a dime in the vending machine and hitting coin return expecting a dollar coin. Dream all you like, it's not gonna happen. Same thing for school too. I told myself I was really going to hit the book hard this semester and not have to worry come finals. But the reality is that my lack of interest and effort is alarming. Whenever I think about it or someone talks about it I just wanna say Dude, I don't give. And being in the mean state that I am it's a possibility.

It's currently 12:08, not too late by any means. But I have class tomorrow at 7:50 so maybe staying up to write a bit will turn out to be a bad idea, but I find that without writing, all of my thoughts get really bottled up and I get really frustrated. And since I haven't written in a really long time, the words just flow out easy. Real easy. It's like I got unlimited things to say. I wish I actually did. Sometimes I'll be talkin to someone. And I'll just have nothing to say to them. It's weird. Pretty awkward too. It's all like, hmmmm I wanna say something to you but I flat out have nothin to say. Does that happen to other people? I've always wondered. Sometimes though, I can keep talking and talking and talking. I wish it could be like that all the time. That would be splendid. Splenda, that sounds familiar. I think it's tea or something..? That sounds really good right now actually. I think I'm getting sick. Anyways I've gotten wayyy off topic and I stopped being serious maybe 5 lines ago. Alright, time for bed. I'm goin on a hunt. Tryin to rediscover my passion for life.

Definition.

i - pron.
Used to refer to oneself as speaker or writer.
n. pl. I's
The self; the ego.

"Accept no one's definition of your life. Define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

That's definitely one of my favorite quotes of all time. And also one quote that I have never ever been able to follow in my life. I feel like I've always been content to be whatever everybody says I am. It hasn't necessarily been bad but it's felt like I've been under restraint. And of my own free will. My own prisoner. But I mean like really, who knows who/what we are? How do we even know who we are? I feel like life's a journey to discover just that. That's why I feel like those really old people are content and at peace when they die. Their journey is through and they've discovered themselves, and now they are at peace. That just seems so awesome. I know that I'm nowhere near that point. But I'm out to yaknow, kinda figure out who I am and get some solidity in my life. But even that's subject to change. Man, I feel like a walking contradiction. Haha, I guess it's only natural. But it's gonna be fun. I mean I love finding out more stuff about other people, because it's so uncommon that they open up and it's just something that I treasure because I love learning more about other people and learning more about yourself is even more exciting because you're the only one who's ever with you all the time so gotta learn more about yourself, otherwise you're gonna have alot of awkward conversations. (Ok that was a bad joke.)

Anyways, time for a quick little slide into a side topic. A song that a good friend of mine showed me recently has a really deep meaning to me. Well for everybody actually. The first time I listened to it it gave me shivers.

The Motions - Matthew West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLJF9vaIJ_0

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

It's a Christian song, and I'm not exactly religious but I totally feel what the song is saying. It's hecka easy, specially in the high school days to just fall into a routine and do whatever it takes to just get by so we stay comfortable. It takes effort to step outside our comfort zones, do something we never did before or talk to someone new. But you know what, it makes life that much more worth living. There's another song that my friend gave me that I really really liked.

Life After You - Daughtry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cvm2OYF2p7E

One line in particular actually. "All that I'm after is a life full of laughter." I like to laugh. I like people who make me laugh. Everything makes me laugh. I laugh at everything, even things that aren't funny, even things that I say. haha that last one is all bad. I like it when I laugh so hard that my abs get a workout. And since I like people that make me laugh, and I laugh at everything, I like everybody. I came up with something clever. check it out. So I think that we should always be laughing because somewhere in the world someone just said or did something funny, and we shouldn't miss out!

Last thing, I think that eating and reading/doing homework at the same time is seriously like the best idea ever because it's like killing two birds with one stone. Which, by the way doesn't even make sense because you couldn't even kill retarded birds with one stone. It would have to be a huge stone. And then you wouldn't be able to throw it. Which makes the whole expression dumb. Ok that is all for now, it is windy, maybe I will be swept up and end up in Kansas.

-E Wang

It's a Juggling Act

I've really been thinking tons about school lately. Now that first semester of my sophomore year is over and finals are gone, I've got a short period to just chill without having to worry about my schoolwork, and it's amazing. As second semester approaches, I give some thought to how I want to do in this next semester. I tell myself that I'm going to bust my ass on every assignment so that by the time the finals come around I won't even have to worry. But then I wonder, don't I always tell myself that? Somehow I still end up with some borderline grades and have to worry about finals. It puzzles me how that tends to be the ending.

School's a juggling act, with all the subjects to learn and study and then get tested on. There's tons to worry about and if you get lazy and start slacking off in a class, dropping the ball, so to speak, it's tough to get it back up. But that's not even the beginning of the difficulty. I'm really not trying to sound cocky or arrogant or conceited, but I know that if I really wanted to, I could have amazing grades every semester. If I dropped everything else and totally dedicated myself to school, it would be a breeze. How come I don't, if it would make so many people, like my parents and..eh, well just my parents happy? I guess it's cus I believe that lives aren't made in school. I mean you're never going to look back 20 years from now and be like oh yeah! I remember all those great chem lectures, or oh yeah, I'm so glad I did all those quote journals for Much Ado About Nothing! Not really. You can always catch up on your school work but you can't catch up on fun. Same thing goes for sleep too, but that's another story.

The difficulty in school lies not in the juggling, school itself, but in juggling while walking a tightrope. All of the time we pour into hanging out, extracurriculars, and just plain screwing around is all time taken away from our school work, making it even harder to keep juggling the balls. Sometimes when we trip up on the tightrope and drop all the balls, it does indeed seem like our lives are spiraling out of control, but it's always been said that man falls to learn how to pick themselves up again.

The Day the Earth (Didn't) stood Still

Seems to me like so far 2010 is a lesson in loss, first on a personal level and now on a global level. A massive 7.0 magnitude earthquake shook the very foundations of Haiti, killing tens of thousands and leaving millions homeless, without water, without food, and possibly injured. Dead bodies pile the streets and blood literally flows into gutters like water. I can't even begin to imagine such a devastated scene. As quick as relief is coming, as a bystander has describes it, “None of this will seem quick enough if you have a loved one who is trapped, if you are sleeping on the streets, if you can’t feed your children.”

Here on the other side of the world I'm sitting here thinking about how tired I am and how I want to get in bed. Funny how insignificant everything suddenly seems. I want to help. I really really do. But it's naive to think that I can make a difference, truthfully. That any of us can make a difference. Sounds kinda pessimistic. Maybe because I'm tired. I guess all we can do really is remain hopeful and pray for them. And again, never hold back on telling someone how much you care about them. Because you never know when your world could be shaken up and everything could be taken away from you. Well, that is all, time to sleep. My heart and best wishes go out to the victims of the Haiti earthquake. Stay strong guys.

School(ed) in Rhyme

This here's my little try
A rhyme about school
We say we'd rather die
But without it we're fools


Truth is, school ain't that bad
There we met tons of friends
That otherwise we might'a never had
And we get in on all the trends


But one question I got is why?
Where is all this learning gonna take me, take us?
It takes up so much time
A good enough answer isn't just cus.


This year I met this girl named Pam
She's pretttty cool
As exciting as a BAM!!
This stanza makes me look like a tool.. (KIDDING. hahahaa)


Now for me it's sophomore year
Freshman year passed so fast
Before I know it, graduation will be near
I'm hoping to make it last


In high school we deal with so much crap
Do we really need any of that?
Someone should provide us with a map
To show us the way. STAT.


Alcohol, Smoking, Drugs
Terrible for your body, mind and soul
They aren't a replacement for love, kisses, and hugs
Those people making bad choices, they needa be 'tol.


There so much to deal with in life
We don't always know what to do
One thing's for sure, it doesn't always rhyme
And so be happy with conforming like everyone else, neither should you


As we go through school what we really learn about is our friends, ourselves, and life
Got some encouragement for 20-10, this upcoming year
To stay happy as possible, have fun, try to avoid strife,
Keep your head up, and don't listen to haters, cus they ain't sayin what you wanna hear.


-E. Wang




PS. "Don't waste time being unhappy because you never know who could be fallin' in love with your smile." -E. Wang

^ See what I did there? I took that quote, changed some words, and now it's mine!! Just kidding. That's called plagarism. And I shouldn't do it. Neither should you. Good night

Saw this somewhere. I liked it.

Aite so it's finals week..so I'm not gonna be sayin much. I was messin around in Chinese class today and I found this quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Think about it