Cruise Control

I caught up with a good friend yesterday through a long late night phone call. We talked about alot of good stuff, school, girls, life. It was a great feeling to catch up with him. He's one of those guys where even though we don't see each other and talk that much most of the time, I still value his friendship and I feel like when we see each other and talk, we can just pick up right where we left off without our friendship deteriorating at all. I wish all people could be like that. Most friends, if you stop talking to them for a couple of weeks, maybe even just one, next time you talk to them, it's like you don't even know them anymore. I really don't understand that.

Anyways, in the middle of our conversation, we got to talking people who were shy and people who were outgoing and from there it went to stepping outside your comfort zone and letting go once in a while. He said 'Dude sometimes you just gotta let it go and be yourself you know? Act hella crazy.' His words basically summarized what I hadn't, and haven't been able to do in at least a year. I never feel like I can just completely let myself go and go crazy. In fact, I feel like in my quest to become respectable and mature, I've kind of lost my inner child. He's in there, but trying to fight his way out. Another close friend has told me 'the quest to maintain a perfect image is fruitless, because sooner or later all your hard work will be ruined.' And it's so true, but even though I am completely aware of and acknowledge the truth of this statement, I still can't bring myself to 'go crazy.'

There will always be people out there who will want to bring you down. It's your choice whether or not you let them. They can spread rumors, tell lies, insult you to your face. It's all just petty. They can ruin your image, but as long as you know who you are it all doesn't mean a thing. How hypocritical it is of me to say that but not be willing to take the risks to test the waters.

I guess I'm afraid to lose control. When you take risks, there's things you can control and things you can't control. You can control your own actions and how you react and respond, but you can't control the people that will judge you. You can't control what people will say. And that makes me afraid. Even the best calculated risks can go wrong. But then again, what kind of life is a life lived in fear? I feel like I'm at the point where I'm going to get repetitive soon, but I'm trying to drill it into my own skull. No one likes to lose control though. It makes you feel helpless, and it's scary. It's like free falling. You're basically completely putting your trust in your friends to catch you. But ultimately I feel like it would exponentially strengthen your bonds with the ones who are there for you, the ones that are still there at the end of the day, those are the ones that count.

I have no idea how I got so sidetracked. Anyways, sometimes I feel old, almost like 30 years old or something. If I try to act especially childish on purpose, I usually end up feeling foolish and regretting it, feeling like I wasted a whole bunch of time. That's only sometimes, but generally I feel like my inner kid is gone. I'm aiming to bottle up some youthfulness and rediscover my inner child. Maybe I'll go to Neverland or something. Never grow old.