Masks

It's been a while since I wrote about not knowing who I was. It's been maybe 4 months now, and nothing's changed. If anything it's gotten more confusing. I feel like in life today it's hard to just be one 'yourself' all of the time and just roll with it. We're all in so many different groups and activities and cliques that it's so hard to just have one image. At least it is for me. I wear many masks. There's school Eric and choir Eric and waterpolo Eric and baseball Eric and at-home Eric and so many others, each slightly different from the other. It's unconsciously that I put up these facades, and with each new one I lose a little bit more of my grasp on who I am.

You could probably tell me who I am better than I can. Why is it that we all have to hide ourselves behind our respective personas? That's something that I've been frustrated by recently as well. I feel like no matter how much time to spend with someone, no matter how many inside jokes I share with them, no matter how many memories or deep talks or dramas I go through with them, I always feel like I don't REALLY know them. Like Really. Deeply. Truly. I'll know alot of things about them, what they like, what they eat, what music they listen to, etc. But I don't feel like I know them. Them, just plain and simple. What's hindering me, I don't know. Maybe this happens for other people too. I wouldn't know.

To me, things seem to come easy to other people most of the time. Save for periods of discontent and frustration, everybody seems to get along well all of the time. For me I'm usually pretty content with my life, but something always lingers in the back of my head, something I always feel I can improve on to make myself better. For that I'm partially glad. I like to see that I always have a hunger and a desire to improve myself but under those same circumstances sometimes I feel like I can't relax. I definitely think i have ADD or something. I can't focus, I can't sit still for more than 3 minutes if I'm not engaged in something and I get bored in a stationary position pretty easily if I'm not tired. I'm an active person who's lost a tendency to work hard. In other words I'm a walking contradiction, or disaster.