What's going on?

Yesterday I didn't really have a great day. It was strange actually, it was a pretty good day until after the game(which we lost to Harker 9-8 on account of poor reffing, but has nothing to do with why I was in a bad mood.)After I came home, I was feeling pretty down and frustrated about myself. The fact that I was tired, hungry, and badly sunburned definitely contributed to it, but basically all that did was make me feel really pessimistic, deviating from my optimistic norm. I started examining all the negatives in my life, instead of appreciating the positives. Basically I was annoyed and frustrated over nothing. But being in a bad mood yesterday did make me realize a change that's occurred in my life recently. I've become a quitter.

All my life, I've never been the most talented. Not in school, not in sports, not in music. But there's always been one thing that I've prided myself on. I've always worked the hardest, no matter how tough it got, I wasn't about to quit. I'd look at the talented kids who were better than me without even trying and say to myself, "It's ok, I work way harder than them. Someday I'll be better." But in the past weeks, the past months, maybe even since last year, I feel like I've lost that. It shows even in the simplest of tasks, like swimming 400 straight yards of freestyle before a water polo practice. Old me would have ate it up, no matter how much it hurt. Now all I can think about is how tired I am and how much I want to stop and take a break. I hate thinking like that, but it seems like it's inevitable, because to consciously try not to think that would involve thinking that in the first place.

Outside of the pool, it just seems like that I myself am not willing to put forth the full effort that I should in order to accomplish what I want to accomplish, attain what I want to attain, to reach my dreams. I'll set a goal only to do nothing to achieve it, thinking that life to work itself out and give me what I want. It feels like I'm holding myself back. It's made me nothing more than a dreamer. There's nothing wrong with being a dreamer, but a dreamer who doesn't work for his dreams is nothing more than a fool who wastes his time idling the days away. I just don't want to end up like that.

I didn't write this post looking for sympathy. I basically just wanted to remind myself that I've got to stop wasting my time. I have to tell myself that I have to grow up and realize that I've taken alot for granted and that in real life people have to work, and work hard to reach what they want. I guess in essence I'm glad that I had a bad day yesterday. My pessimism helped my realize this, and instead of continuing to waste my days just going through the motions, I can begin trying to change my paradigm and recapture my old work ethic. Time will tell.