Unwind

This past month has been such a whirlwind. It's been a great month. It's weird though, this feeling I've had this past month. I've had so much confidence, almost at the brink of arrogance. I don't know how to explain it. It's made me more fearless in a sense, less afraid of other people's judgment of me and my actions and more willing to step outside of my comfort zone and take risks. But at the same token, I feel like I've become less sensitive to the feelings of others, and in the process I've felt a tinge of jerk enter my personality, making jokes at others' expense without mercy. Some aren't even funny and they just end up putting them down. That's not something that I would normally do. My entire life I've worked towards building a character for myself based on integrity, passion, kindness, trust, and compassion.

It's been a while since I wrote. I just haven't had time or I've been lazy, but finally a length phone conversation with a close friend inspired me to write. He and I share so many of the same views on life, the same values, and the same interests and aspirations. We're already really good friends, but I truly believe we have potential to be far better than that. Despite our countless similarities, we also have differences to compliment each other. He has many admirable traits and there's so much I could learn from him. One thing he's already begun teaching me is the value of patience. Funny. You always hear about how 'patience is a virtue' and you would figure that almost everybody, if not everybody would be patient and understand the meaning and values of patience. Not so I guess. Well I mean I knew that some things you gotta wait for and stuff like that, yaknow? But I didn't truly understand. I don't even know how to explain. Lemme hit you up with an example.

So there's been a mini fiasco goin on fer me at school, not really going to go into details. But anyways, i was all hyped up and stuff fer somethin but I got shot down. Not actually. But basically. Anyways, it was a real reality check for me. I could not understand why I got shot down. But anyways in my moment of distress I hit my friend up and we had a long talk. It started at like..11 and ended around 230. Needless to say, we were both pretty hammered in chem the next morning. Anyways, he made me assess it from a million different perspectives, think about if it was really what I wanted to do anyways and how the future would be and how it would affect me. Pretty grown up for a pair of 15 year olds if you ask me. That's another thing I admire about people. I really respect them when they can act childish and carefree when they want but be very logical, mature, and deep when they want to be as well. Through our discussion, I discovered from myself that I didn't really think that it was the right thing to do. My own emotions were more of a product of peer pressure than what I felt was right. Obviously my lack of patience had failed to restrain me, and if not for my friend, things might have taken a turn for the worse.

But they didn't. I thought about it rationally and decided it was something I was neither comfortable nor ready for. And you know what? I feel like it was the right decision. I'm a huge believer in the notion that if something's meant to happen, it will happen. Maybe sooner. Maybe later. But no matter what, it will happen in the end. So s'all good. We talked about bucket lists too. I realized I really haven't given much thought to what I'd do if I had one month, per say, to live. I mean, that's perfectly normal of a teenager not to think of those things, but I think it'd be interesting. One month.. Wow. I'll think about it and get back to it later.

I think it's about I found a comfortable medium. I've been to both extremities of the spectrum. Facing insecurities and extreme confidence. I've been in a shell and also insensitive to the point where I've blocked out others' feelings entirely. I'm a hunt for that perfect median. In other news, my life overall is going well. Formal's coming up soon. I'm sick. I'm hoping I'm getting better. School's not bad. Except I got a 0 out of 600 points on a lab. I have NO idea how that happened.... Mm. Yeah. Finished Unwinding.