Where do I start? It really has been a long time since I wrote. To be truthful, I'm writing not because I have anything specific to say, but because I felt a urge to write after such a long hiatus and because I'm waiting for my video of 'The Hangover' on the internet to load. This entry could be compared to a rapper's freestyle rap I suppose. I'm just gonna lay down whatever comes to mind and talk about it. I'm feelin like it's going to be a long one. After all, this is a very significant time of year.
Shoot, all I can think is where do I start..I guess I'll start with Christmas, which just passed. You know, something's funny. In the past Christmas was always so important to me. Right when December started, I'd start counting down the days to Christmas. Back in the day it used to be because I was so excited for presents. Later on it was just cus. This year Christmas just kind of slipped by for me. It surprised me when I woke up to a small army of small children clamoring for me to wake up so they could open their presents. Throughout the day it just really didn't strike me as Christmas. And when it was over it felt just like any other ordinary day. Funny thing is I just might have been excited for it too early. I was really pumped for Christmas around...November 20th. Yup, even before Thanksgiving. I guess I was excited for it too early because by the time it actually rolled around I was all excited-out. This year I wasn't excited about getting anything special, didn't actually expect to receive any presents. And it was a good feeling. It was nice to sit there relaxing while watching my little cousins open presents and see how happy they were. Good stuff.
Ok now it is actually the day of New Years Eve because last night I couldn't think of anything to write about. But I'm back, armed with a post-it note chock full of goodies so I'm ready. As of now it's about T-minus 2 hours until the new decade and I'm hoping to make it in before New Year's so here we go..
In the past year or more recently I've groped with concepts, standards and ideas that I'd always grown to accept as normal that more recently I've really been questioning. My grip on reality and my entire world is probably slippery, at best, which is the way I like it. Wait, let me rephrase that, because that makes it sound like I'm going insane. Haha, that's not how it is. What I'm trying to say is that while my values, morals and beliefs are concrete, how I see the world is always under question, subject to question and influence. So I am always changing, growing, and developing as a person and an individual.
Speaking of individuals, I've always had the strangest belief for the longest time. For some odd reason, I've always, subconsciously or not, placed myself just slightly higher in importance in comparison to everyone else out there. I suppose you could call it inner arrogance. It's this kind of thing where while I respect other people and view them as equals to myself, I also think that my goals, beliefs, abilities, whatever, name it, are more significant and important than that of theirs. Like I, as an individual, is more significant than anyone else in the world. And that I, more than anyone else, can make a difference. And that I, more than anyone else, can get it done. I don't really know if other people think like that as well, or if it's just me. But it's naive to think that I am more significant, or important, or talented, or intelligent than the billions of people out there. Not only because it is definitely not true, but it's the epitome of conceited. I don't know what the cause of this is, but that is 1 resolution for the new decade, learn to appreciate others and what they have to offer and value them just as much as myself.
The second thing that I've grappled with this year is the always volatile system of relationships. Friendships, intimate relationships, associations, whatever kind of relationship. This year's been a whole year of experimenting, seeing what works, what doesn't. I've gained new friendships and I've lost some. Strengthened some and fought losing battles against fading ones. Though one thing that I've been introduced to is something that I have always tried to avoid, and that's conflict. No matter what, I just have not been able to deal with conflict. And yet it is essential to a healthy, close relationship. It's alot like the forest. The forest starts out as a bunch of saplings growing together peacefully in harmony. But as time passes and more and more trees grow and they get larger and larger, the space becomes more and more crowded and all the trees are suffocated together, unable to grow, leaving them all in discomfort. But then a forest fire rages through the forest and burns all of the trees down. While it seems like a disaster, once the fire has passed, the seeds of rebirth are sown and the forest grows back, more healthy and vibrant than before the fire. The fire of the forest is the conflict of the relationship. It's also the fire I've always tried to avoid at all costs. It's unhealthy in that I would rather say something I didn't believe in order to avoid confrontation and smooth things over than speak my mind and face the consequences. While on the surface the friendship/relationship is undamaged, in reality it is hurt because truthful wholesome communication can't be made, thus limiting the intimacy. That is decade's resolution #2. Not to run from conflict.
Another thing that's strange, there are some days where I simply cannot feel positive about other people at all. Even those that I have utmost respect for. My mind is just clouded in pessimism and in my mind I have myself cutting everyone down, picking out their flaws and weaknesses and just dismantling their image for myself. It's probably a result of my own insecurities. Even as such, I find it an odd way for myself to instinctively cope. That's resolution #3 right there, Find a different way to deal with my own insecurities, because it is either impossible or highly unlikely that insecurities will go away, so I need a positive and better way to deal with them.
In our age and day, it's become either really cool or totally uncool, (depending who you are), to try really hard, care about something alot, and have a burning passion. Most people of today think that cruising through life and making it look effortless is that way to go these days. When someone comes along that's visibly making an effort, or is very vocal about what they care about, all that they get in response is humiliation, discouragement, and scoffs. Is it fair that those who try the hardest should be the most looked down upon? To care alot about everyone has always in the past been a goal of mine but it's like there's only so much care to go around. And if that's the case I've got to be selective about who I care about. It's hard though, caring about alot of people. That's alot of attention to divide up. In the past I've become friends with people just for the sake of being able to say I had alot of friends. I'd be totally caught up in stats, look at who I was friends with and how many friends I had. Not only that, but my extra curriculars and activities and decide that I was an extremely accomplished person in comparison to others. I didn't really get to know a bulk of my friends and as a result we'd drift apart, talk periodically and get a little closer, and rinse and repeat. It's always been hard for me to realize that I can't be good friends with everyone and I have to decide which ones I want to keep and which to just be friends with. But I know how I want to be known. Not as the most talented, the most popular, the most athletic, the smartest, but just as the one who cared the most. Gave it his all in sports. Tried and studied hard in class. Was there for his friends. And that's Resolution 4. Simply care.
Well that was everything I had on my post-it note and more actually. Since I've got some time left before the countdown (T-minus 29 minutes) I'm gonna put up my resolution, that ones that I've got right now anyways. My good friend told me how she had categories for them and I thought that was a great idea, so thanks!
Here are my categories: Myself as a person, Academics, Friends/People, Athletics, Health, Mental, and Habits.
Person: Have more confidence, but without being arrogant. Think about others and not just myself. Care more and instill more passion in my life. Learn patience.
Academics: Try hard in every class. Actually learn, understand what I'm learning and care about it too.
Friends/People: Pick my friends. Be more tolerant of people. Don't get annoyed with myself/others as easily. Be ready to deal with conflict.
Athletics: 5' 7, 160.
Health: Take better care of myself and my body. As I learned this year, I am not indestructible at all.
Mental: Keep a positive attitude. Think comfortable even when I'm not. Think big. Have energy. Learn logic and rationalization.
Habits: No mental downsizing of people.
Well, that's all I've got. Signing off for the last time this decade... EWang.
Happy holidays and best of all, happy new year and happy new decade!!
See y'all on the other side. Let's live it up
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